How to Stop a Fear of Not Being Good Enough
Atelophobia or a fear of not being good enough is an interesting problem. It is a form of anxiety that tells you that you are unable to succeed, that you will get things wrong and that people won’t like you. As you can imagine being stuck with these negative self-critical thoughts day in day out sucks! Yet is what you mind telling you actually true? If it has been lying to you for all these years and making you feel bad about yourself what can you do to fight back and start feeling great about yourself?
Where Does a Phobia of Not Being Good Enough Come From?
You will be happy to know that you were not born with a fear of not being good enough. The fear arises because someone or something happens to start to put doubt in your mind about your capabilities, your looks or how lovable you are. The first incident that made you question yourself started to sow a seed of doubt and then further incidents will have compounded the problem and made things worse over the years. Here are some typical scenarios that we regularly see that have held our clients back:
When you were a child your parents decided on having another baby a couple of years younger than yourself. When your sibling was born it had a medical problem that needed lots of attention. You parents would have to spend hours in the hospital making sure that they were ok and even when they came home extra attention was needed to make sure they were ok. You watched on and were jealous. In your childlike mind, you couldn’t see the medical emergency but you could see your parents giving all their attention to someone else and you felt neglected and left out.
Issues with sibling rivalry or a belief that one of your brothers or sisters was loved more than you can create feelings of being left out, ignored or simply not being loveable. Once those thoughts take hold and a child has a belief that this is the case then they will look out for other scenarios to prove what they think is true. So in this case, if a friend decided to ignore them at school this would also serve as proof that there was something wrong with them.
Bullying at school can also create similar feelings. When you are picked on by others or ostracised in the playground it is not only frightening but creates a belief system that there is something wrong with you. Those thoughts that you learn in early childhood become a form of template that you continue to believe years later.
These are just two examples of where the fear of not being good enough comes from but there are others as well:
- Failing an important test
- Looking different from others
- Being dyslexic or having a learning difficulty
- Gender and sexuality
- Trauma and Abuse
- Sibling jealousy or comparisons
- Incorrect assumptions
- Teachers or being in authority
These are just some examples but there are many more scenarios that can create anxiety.
You are Enough
Every single client that we have worked with is enough they just don’t recognise it when they first contact us. We need to teach them that their mind is lying to them and with help this can be overcome so that you stop holding yourself back. No matter what happened to you in your life you need to look at things from an entirely different perspective to alter your mindset. Here are some of the things you can do to change negative unhelpful thoughts.
Build Your Self-Esteem
Self-esteem issues are often at the heart of problems with feelings of not being good enough. Learning techniques to build your self-esteem will be hugely important in helping you to move forward. You can head over to our post on hypnosis for self-esteem to give you some great ideas on what you can do to boost yours. Alternatively, why not listen to our confidence and self-esteem boosting audio download to change the way you think?
Know Your Worth
Next, I want you to see what you actually bring to the table instead of focusing on any perceived negative flaws. I have had people with PHD’s telling me they weren’t good enough for certain jobs. I have had clients with hugely successful jobs with imposter syndrome convinced they were going to be found out and sacked. The reality is you need to start paying close attention to what you can do or what you have rather than what you believe you can’t. Write down a list of the positives in your life and remind yourself of what you do have.
Also, self-worth does not have to be determined by others. You are the only person who determines what you are worth not those around you. Remember if you have a partner who is not treating you right you can determine whether or not you stay with them. Never let them tell you that you are not going to find someone else. If you have a boss at work who is rude and condescending you can choose to leave and find something else. Never put up with someone or something just because you don’t believe you deserve anything better.
As well are increasing your self-esteem and self-worth it is important to build confidence in yourself as well. That means learning to push your boundaries and starting to do things that might scare you or make you feel uncomfortable. Yes some of them may no go perfectly but with practice and time you will get better and that is one of the greatest confidence boosts there is.
Learn Relaxation Techniques and Meditation
Anxious thoughts such as a feeling of not being good enough can create feelings of fear, worry and stress. The more we stress about our failings the bigger the anxiety gets. Learning to step off the treadmill is hugely important so that you can think more clearly and calmly. Our simple Deep Relaxation and Stress Reduction hypnosis download is the perfect tool to take back control over your thoughts. Just listen to the audio daily when you are somewhere quiet and allow your mind to drift. Over time your should start to feel the tension disappearing as you enter a deep state of trance. The results are cumulative as well which means that the more you listen to it the more effective it becomes.
Be Kind to Yourself
Negative self-critical voices in our minds are our own worse bullies. They make us feel worthless and useless and taunt us every time we do something wrong. Now is the time to learn to be kind to yourself. Positive affirmations can help as can focusing on your successes. In addition stop black and white thinking. No, it is not a disaster if you say didn’t get that job interview. Every setback is a learning opportunity plus you are never going to be right for every job out there. Work out what you could change for the next opportunity and keep on trying. There is no need to be self-critical or beat yourself up because everyone experiences knock backs, even the most successful people in the world.
Play to Your Strengths
I am good at creating websites, marketing, and painting my house. I am terrible at graphics, drawing and doing DIY. So do I beat myself up daily about being bad at those things? Nope, I get someone else to do them for me. You don’t have to excel at everything to be successful and you don’t have to please everyone all of the time. Find someone to do the things you don’t like to save yourself the angst. Don’t hang out with anyone who makes you feel bad. It will save you a ton of frustration and heartache and your life will be so much easier.
Focus on the Wins
When something goes right pat yourself on the back and celebrate your success. Nobody else is necessarily going to do that for you so make sure you give yourself kudos for things that are going well. It can be easy to ignore them when we focus on thinking negatively but you need to pay attention to them no matter how small they may be.
How to be Good Enough for Someone
When clients first come into our clinics or contact us for help they may ask how they can be good enough for someone. Relationship worries and fears are one of the biggest areas where people feel the fear of not being good enough. We get them to look at things from an entirely different perspective and suggest that actually you need to know how someone is good enough for you! In every single case, there is absolutely nothing the matter with our clients. It is the way that they think that is the problem. If they have low self-worth and self-esteem then it is easy for certain people to walk all over them and make them feel as if they have a problem. When our clients grow in confidence about themselves they begin to see that they are unwilling to put up with people who make them feel insecure or who undermine them constantly.
Plus if you constantly walk around feeling anxious and scared about relationships you are not going to attract the people you deserve. People who are confident and happy act like a magnet and bring people into their orbit. When you are miserable and fearful it is as if you act like a repellant to those around you. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy because when you say “why and I not good enough for anyone” you are making this happen.
Therapy for a Fear of Not Being Good Enough
Finally, it is important to state that whilst self-help methods can work for some people they are not enough for everyone. Therapy for a fear of not being good enough helps to determine where the underlying problems lie and help you to overcome them. Our online therapy programs can help you with confidence building, self-esteem and knowing your self-worth. There is never a need to suffer in silence when therapy for negative thoughts can help to change your mindset.
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